It's Hard to Say Goodbye and Let Go...

Well it's hard to say goodbye and let go. And it's hard to see it end. When the memories we have made may never happen again. But it's harder for time to ever erase, the together times we've share. So when we're apart remember, all the love we've shared together and for all this love thank the Lord above who showed us the way...  That we can be together forever someday. We can be together.

                                                                               -Together Forever by Michael McLean

My father-in-law passed away this afternoon.  I am a jumble of thoughts and emotions right now. 

My heart feels heavy because we'll miss him, yet also light- because I know he's no longer in pain, nor has to be in the hospital anymore.

My heart breaks for my husband who has just lost his dad, for my kids who lost their grandpa, and especially for my mother-in-law, who has lost her husband. But I feel like the past year-and-a-half with him have been a gift to us.  When he was first diagnosed with AML, the doctors didn't even think he would even make it through the first chemo treatment.  Then, the doctors at Huntsman thought he would be gone in a few months.  He has amazed us all with his strength and mental toughness!  In this time while he's been sick, we got to see him embrace the gospel, get baptized, and sealed in the temple as a family.  Rob's got to spend a lot of time with him, and have great conversations that he otherwise never would have had.  We are grateful for the extra time we were given with this great man.  He is now getting a much deserved rest.

Rob called me this morning, wanting me to come to the hospital and say goodbye.  I also needed to attend the family meeting they had scheduled with the team of doctors working with his dad.  Thanks to friends and family for taking my kids so I could go.  It really meant a lot to me to be there (thanks Ashlee and Jim & Lynette!).  Though Rob had warned me about all the tubes and wires going in and out of him, I was still taken back by the sight (I'm glad we had decided not to have the kids see him this way, it would have scared them).  My heart broke for him as I held his hand as it shook from another seizure. He had been unresponsive since Tuesday, and his kidneys were starting to fail.  The doctors confirmed what we already knew.  The leukemia had made it into his spine and spread to his central nervous system.  There were no more treatment options.  He had expressed many times that he didn't want to be kept on life support, so we decided to have them remove the ventilator.  I said my goodbyes and headed off to retrieve my kids.  The doctors had thought he could live another day or two, but he was gone within a half hour.  He went peacefully, just after they gave him a blessing.  Rob called with the news just before I got to pick up the kids.  We've known this was coming for a long time, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

It's actually been comforting to talk to my kids about it, and discuss the plan of salvation.  They are so full of faith!  I know we will see Grandpa again, and that is a huge comfort.  Tonight I pulled up photos of Grandpa, and we sat together, taking a stroll down memory lane.  Nathan let me read what he had written in his journal.  It was so sweet. He was a fun and caring Grandpa, and we will miss him so much!  We love you Grandpa!

I appreciate what my dad just wrote me in an email: "None of us know when we will be called home, and we get to thinking that maybe we won't have to leave, or have our loved ones leave us, but death is as much a part of life as birth! Eventually, the sorrow and the loneliness subsides and we remember the good times we have shared with our departed."

I am grateful for my Savior, that he takes the sting from death.  I'm thankful that he made it so we can be together forever!